Zach, my dearest bearded Zach,

With hair made of finest dirty hobo silk,

You caress my cheek like steel wool,

Lead us not into Dane Cook douche-baggery, oh wise bearded one,

Guide us into the realm of over-sized notepad Tom-foolery,

You are the one true comedic lord, oh our Fat Jesus,

Oh, and why are you in that guinea pig movie?

Love,

M